


dreaming

by reylofics



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Engagement, Falling In Love, Flashbacks, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-23
Updated: 2018-11-23
Packaged: 2019-08-28 00:29:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16713025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reylofics/pseuds/reylofics
Summary: were they ever really in love?





	dreaming

**Author's Note:**

> ivy - frank ocean (i highly recommend listening to this on a loop while reading)
> 
> flashback is in italics.
> 
> -note that a part of the flashback is set in the ‘80s, a time when the LGBTQ+ community was still not fully accepted.

Richie Tozier is a loudmouth, blubbering fool who can never seem to get anything right. He’s also the guy who broke Eddie Kaspbrak’s heart. 

 

And he regrets it all when he sees Eddie standing in the corner of the room, catching up with all of their former friends from way back when. He looks so pretty. His hair is messy and it’s clear that it hasn’t been styled in the slightest bit but the nonchalant look suits him. Even Richie can admit that Eddie looks more laid back—happier. He’s happy for him, really, he is. If he wasn’t happy for him, he wouldn’t be here at his engagement party. After all, what are best friends for if not to support one another at their engagement parties?

 

Yet, Richie’s not even sure that they’re best friends anymore; he can’t remember the last time that they had a conversation. A real conversation, not a stilted one where they awkwardly asked each other how their lives were going. As he looks over to his friends in the corner with his supposed best friend, he can’t help but be jealous of their conversation. He can’t hear what they’re saying but he can tell that it’s clearly more engaging than the last conversation he had with the engaged man. The last time he had with Eddie ended up with the both of them in tears as Eddie admitted that he had accepted his new boyfriend’s proposal. 

 

_Richie had wanted to be happy for him. He had meant to fake a smile and congratulate the other man on the news but instead, he broke down into tears. Immediately, Eddie understood where he was coming from and comfortingly, cried with him._

 

_”It didn’t have to be this way,” whispered Eddie sadly_ _without meeting Richie’s gaze._

 

_Eddie held his head in his hands like he had something to be ashamed of and Richie couldn’t help but feel extremely guilty that he was making Eddie feel this way. He reached out to touch Eddie’s hands but threw the thought away when he instinctively felt Eddie shifting further from him. He wanted to say something in response but he didn’t know what to say. At this point, he could’ve said anything and Eddie would’ve been all over him. But he didn’t want Eddie to make a rash decision out of pure emotion that he would only end up regretting like the last time._

 

_He remembered the last time like it was yesterday. That time, Eddie had come to him saying that things were getting serious with this new guy—they had just celebrated their one year anniversary. Eddie had explained that there was no more late night texts with the occasional phone sex and Richie had cried like he was doing now. It wasn’t the loss of sex that was bothering him, it was the loss of his relationship with Eddie. Things after that would never be the same and he was right. Eddie knew it, too._

 

_When Richie voiced his thoughts aloud, Eddie was more than happy to tumble back into his arms and into his bed for one night. It reminded them both of their teenage years when they were just kids, sneaking around the town to steal kisses right under the noses of their friends. The relationship had gone on for several years and how they had managed to keep it a secret amazed them both—especially Richie. It was the one secret he had been able to keep._

 

_Eddie was the one person that he selfishly wanted to keep all to himself. He hated that Eddie was kissing other girls as they grew older, when people in the town grew suspicious of the fact that “a true gentleman like Edward Kaspbrak” didn’t have a girlfriend yet. It annoyed him slightly when he could taste cherry lipgloss on his boyfriend’s lips but he never would let it show. He would always turn away from Eddie after a makeout session and wipe his hands on his mouth like he was wiping a stain off. Eddie pretended to not notice._

 

_Eventually, Richie started kissing other girls, too. He was never really sure whether it started out of spite or because of his internalized hate. Certainly, Richie didn’t feel any of that internalized hate when he was kissing his boyfriend in private but he felt a twinge of guilt in the pit of his stomach when he envisioned kissing the other boy in public._

 

_When he was 17, he got his first girlfriend. And they would kiss, constantly. Two months later, they broke up and when Eddie asked him why, Richie’s explanation was that he had become “bored”. He remembers Eddie frowning at the dismissive response._

 

_A week or so later, Richie went on another date with a girl from their school. He had ignored Eddie’s sad look when he told him that they couldn’t hang out tonight because he had a date. He made sure to tell him that it was all for show, though, and gave him a quick peck on the lips. It barely even registered in Richie’s mind that Eddie had stopped kissing girls a while ago out of silent respect for his boyfriend. Eddie was disappointed that Richie hadn’t begun to do the same but he understood where the other boy was coming from. After all, it wasn’t like they could safely go flaunting their love around town. So, while he was disappointed, he let Richie go without a word of hesitation._

 

_Richie, consequently, left without any remorse. It was a new feeling for him and he, scarily enough, didn’t despise it. Even more odd was the fact that Richie didn’t question it when the girl at the theaters let him feel her up in the back row. His eyes were open the whole time that she was kissing him and guiding his hand up her shirt. When he fondled her in the back row, eventually moving his other hand down her skirt, he didn’t feel anything. She just moved her hand around where she wanted him and he obliged without saying a word. In the middle of the movie, she breathed a loud sigh of relief and sat back in her seat, putting his hands back in his lap. For the rest of the movie, they were silent._

 

_At the end of the movie, the girl thanked Richie for the good time and he smiled awkwardly. They walked to the car together and he drove her home. He eyed his watch, seeing if he had enough time to visit his boyfriend. Although it was 9pm, he figured that he could sneak in through Eddie’s window. Quickly, Richie drove over to Eddie’s neighborhood and parked a block down from his house. He stepped out and proceeded to go around the side of his boyfriend’s house to surprise him._

 

_Right away, Eddie noticed Richie standing outside and opened the window to let him in with a tired smile. He had been expecting a nice conversation with some cuddling but instead, it seemed like Richie was excited to tell him all about the pretend date. When he told him what had happened with the girl, Eddie’s eyes had widened for a second and he remained silent._

 

_”We’ve never done anything like that,” he mumbled._

 

_”Oh, babe, you know it didn’t mean anything with her. I was just doing it because, yanno, I didn’t want her to call me gay or anything for refusing to do that,” Richie said. Eddie frowned at that but allowed Richie to continue with, “I’m waiting with you because I want it to mean something. I don’t want to do it just to do it.”_

 

_At that, Eddie smiled, slightly relieved. He was still a bit upset at what Richie had done but he couldn’t stay upset when Richie leaned in and kissed him. They tumbled back in his bed._

 

_Three months later, Richie had to painfully admit to Eddie that he had lost his virginity to the girl from the movie theater—now known around town as his “girlfriend”. Even Richie knew that there was no decent explanation for his rash decision. When Eddie had finally lost it and yelled at him for an hour, Richie didn’t know what to say. Even when Eddie had started crying and asking him over and over again why he had done what he had done, Richie couldn’t give him an answer. He hadn’t even enjoyed it. So when Eddie told him to get out of his house, Richie hadn’t even questioned it._

 

_For the next ten years, Richie Tozier left Eddie alone like he had asked. At graduation, they barely even spoke. If it hadn’t been for the same circle of friends that they shared, they might not have ever spoken again. When school ended, the rest of their friends could tell that something was wrong with Eddie and Richie but both of the boys refused to share their secret. Everyone around them was frustrated. Still, there wasn’t much that anyone could do and everyone just accepted it when Eddie and Richie claimed to have grown apart in the following years._

 

_It wasn’t until ten years later that Eddie finally reached out to Richie. They met in a coffee shop and tentatively talked for two hours, hashing out everything between them. When the conversation was over, they shared a hug that Richie held onto for a second longer than usual. Eddie awkwardly cleared his throat and gave him his new number._

 

_Over the next year, Eddie and Richie began to mend their broken relationship. Eventually, the friendship that they had rekindled turned into something more. Richie wasn’t even sure when the affair had started. For hours and hours, they would talk to each other and sometimes, their late night calls would end up with breathy moans on the other end of the line that climaxed with a violent click of the line that signified that their time together was done for the night. Eddie had tried ending it when he went out to see other people but they always ended up back in each other’s arms._

 

_At one point, Richie was questioning his decisions when he realized that he was a cheater. Not that he was with anyone else—but his actions were turning Eddie into a cheater which made him feel like one, too. But it was hard to remember that what he was doing was wrong when Eddie jumped into his bed. Besides, it didn’t seem like what they were doing was going to end anytime soon._

 

_So when the two men tumbled into bed together after Eddie revealed that things were getting serious with his new boyfriend, Richie didn’t question it. It was true that Eddie had never been with anyone else for as long as he had been with this new guy but Richie couldn’t fathom the thought that he wouldn’t be the only one that was in Eddie’s life. He didn’t even process the fact that it was the last time he and Eddie would be in the same bed together. Maybe it was just sex to Eddie, but it was much more to Richie._

 

_To be honest, he should’ve questioned it when he heard Eddie tell him that he loved him when he rolled off of him. Or maybe he was dreaming. Either way, Eddie had never told him that he loved him._ _The next day, when he woke up, Richie couldn’t tell Eddie that he loved him too, because the other man had already left._

 

_Six months later, Eddie Kaspbrak was engaged._

 

”Eddie, it’s beautiful!” gasped Beverly from the other side of the room. 

 

Eddie was blushing madly as Beverly held up his hand to inspect the gleaming hunk of metal that sat upon his ring finger. Richie could hear the group laughing when Beverly jokingly told Ben that this ring would’ve made her say yes the first time that he proposed. He shook his head reprimandingly, all in good spirit as he playfully kissed her cheek in response. Richie took another swig of his wine when he saw Beverly smile adoringly at her husband. It had been years since he had properly caught up with the two and it was amazing that Beverly was now as much in love with Ben as he was with her.

 

The same was true for Stan and Bill. Everyone was shocked when they had revealed that they had been dating since high school, especially Beverly, recalling the time that Stanley had kissed her—a story that now made everyone laugh. Richie was happy for them but at the same time, sad that their story could’ve been his and Eddie’s.

 

”Hey, Rich, come over here,” beckoned Mike from the corner with the warm smile that seemed to pull everyone in.

 

Richie was no stranger to that smile and, yet, he always fell victim to it. Obliging with the request, he walked over to his old group of friends and set his wine glass down on the counter after gulping down the entire thing as a form of liquid courage. For the first time that night, Eddie seemed to notice him. All the laughter left his face momentarily, but he quickly replaced it with a smile that Richie knew as his stranger smile. It hurt that Eddie was giving him the smile that he only gave to strangers on the street but it was better than nothing.

 

Richie stuck out his hand to shake Eddie’s but Stan shook his head and wagged his finger at the two men. “C’mon guys, you’re friends not strangers. Hug!”

 

Eddie glared at Stan and it was evident that Stan knew something but Richie paid no attention to it. He shuffled out of the way to avoid the oncoming hug but moved back to fall into Eddie’s arms when he saw Beverly questionably looking at him. She looked troubled and Richie hugged Eddie back to ease her worry. Slowly, the confusion lifted from her face and she smiled sadly at Richie. He didn’t know if Eddie had said something to the Losers but he was hoping that they hadn’t. Instead, he chose to focus on the warm vanilla scent that Eddie always carried with him. He chose to ignore the faint scent of someone else’s breath on Eddie’s neck.

 

Reluctantly, Richie pulled back when Eddie released him with an awkward pat on the back. He opened his mouth to say something but stopped when Eddie turned back around to face the group. From behind him, he saw Beverly giving him a knowing look and he refused to meet her eyes after that.

 

For the rest of the evening, Richie casually socialized with the rest of the Losers. When Eddie’s fiancé joined the party and apologized to everyone for being late because of some work thing, Richie realized that he couldn’t even stomach the thought of Eddie kissing the other man. He looked away when he saw Eddie’s fiancé lean in to kiss him and when he opened his eyes, he was met with Beverly’s concerned eyes. Hastily, she grabbed his arm and pulled him aside from everyone else.

 

”I know you two had a thing,” started Beverly, “but I need you to either let go of what happened or resolve it tonight because, you may not know it, but Eddie’s broken over whatever happened between you. But I know he loves this man and I know you love him so if you want him to be happy, you will talk to him and let him know it’s okay to be happy. Rich, I love you, okay? I’m here for you after you go talk to him. Please.”

 

Looking straight into her eyes, Richie knew that Beverly wasn’t joking around in the slightest bit. He tried to turn away but she wouldn’t let him. Eventually, he had to give in. Richie sighed.

 

”Okay,” he relented.

 

Beverly finally let go of his arm and pointed in Eddie’s direction. Richie looked over and noticed that Eddie was left alone in the same spot that he had been earlier, seeing as his fiancé had gone to go mingle with Stan and Bill. Hesitantly, he walked over to where the other man was smiling brightly while he watched his fiancé talk to his friends. He barely even registered the fact that Richie had tapped his shoulder until Richie pulled him aside like Beverly had done to him a few seconds ago.

 

”We need to talk,” Richie informed Eddie.

 

Eddie cautiously replied with, “I know Bev’s making you do this. Listen, Richie, whatever she told you—it’s nothing. I’m okay. There’s no need to talk about things that are only going to hurt the both of us even more.”

 

As much as Richie wanted to agree with the other man and walk away like nothing had happened, he knew that he had to do this. If not for himself, he knew that he had to do it for Richie.

 

”Can we go talk somewhere privately?”

 

Eddie thought over it for a while. The last time they had talked privately, it had ended up with him cheating on his now fiancé (something he had still not let his fiancé know about). After pondering over it for a while, he agreed to the idea and led Richie to the backyard. Right away, he knew that Richie was about to explode with something big when he noticed his fingers insistingly tapping against the sides of his pants. Gently, he brushed Richie’s fingers aside and the other man looked at him with an expression that Eddie couldn’t quite decipher—but it secretly made him feel warm and giddy inside when he elicited the reaction.

 

”I love you,” blurted out Richie.

 

”Rich—,”

 

Richie held out his hands to stop the other boy from continuing and interrupted him.

 

”No, listen to me, Eddie. I love you. So much. And I’ve loved you for a while now and couldn’t bring myself to say it until today, which I know is pretty crappy timing...I’m not expecting you to say that you love me back or anything. That’s not why I’m saying this. I’m saying this because I mean it and I want you to know that—but I also want you to know that I want you, more than anything, to be happy. Eddie, I love you, but when you love someone enough, you have to recognize when they don’t love you back and let them be happy on their own or with someone else. I messed things up when we were kids and things will never be the same as they were—I want so badly to fix everything...and maybe we would be together and engaged in a different universe but we’re not. Right now, in this universe, you’re with him. And you’re happy with him. Eddie Kaspbrak, I love you and I want you to be happy with him.”

 

In the end, Eddie couldn’t find anything to say in response to Richie’s grand declaration of love that was both an end and start to their new relationship. Ultimately, he ended up pulling Richie in for a hug that was much more sincere than the forced one that had occurred in his living room. Richie could feel the tears of the other boy staining his jacket as he clutched the back of it tightly and he couldn’t even bother to care. Having Eddie hug him was more than enough to make up for the lack of communication between them.

 

When Eddie pulled away, both men were smiling at the unspoken reconciliation that had just happened between them.

 

“Thank you,” mouthed Eddie as he headed back inside to join the rest of the gang.

 

In response, Richie silently nodded his head. He followed after Eddie and waved goodbye to the Losers. A bit shocked that he was leaving so early, they confusingly waved their hands back to him. Across the room, they noticed Eddie’s puffy eyes and when they went over to talk to him, some of them seemed to connect the dots but none except Beverly and Stan connected the dots entirely. She whispered what she had told Richie to do in Stan’s ear and he nodded knowingly, looking sadly at the door in which Richie had exited through.

 

On the other side of the door, Richie was walking back to his car. This time, he was closing a major chapter in his life and he knew that he was doing it in the way that he wanted to. Still, he couldn’t help but bang his head against the wheel of his car when he sat in the driver’s seat and cry for a good few minutes until finally settling upon driving home. All Richie Tozier wanted was for Eddie Kaspbrak to be happy.


End file.
